Day 8 A chilly night. a Poem about the condition

My first test from my psychiatryst: Attempt going off Meds, Just Kidding, but Adding Medical Cannabis.

The first morning, she wasn’t panicked. It was in the office of her psychiatryst, Doctor J, when he said “I have Katarina here. She was sick from some medications I prescribed. I can assure you she is safe and not about to harm herself or others.”

This is a very serious program I just quit. Got the hebe hebes when they talked about illness and prescription thing. I’m getting sleepy. Let’s see who wins.

Complimented blog, shared a high five at a joke “I’m kind of a schizophrenic doctor.”,”I’m kind of a schizophrenic patient.”

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A Breakthrough in Therapy

Today, I realized that I have had a long period of dormant thinking that I’m ready to tap into. The degree is communication. The road is long and difficult because I have to rebuild skills that have been dormant for some time. I’m thinking that I would like to start a program soon to help me get back into the art of taking tests and going to school.

I will start at the community college level and take a class that inspires me and work from there. I’m having a hard time focusing. I still think that I need medications for focus to help me with this transition.

Slowed thinking is a big problem and I will need to be reinspired with life and it’s invigorating to know that there’s hope.

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Day 4: How to Stay Sunny and Sane in a state of Hospitalization

Today I had a micro manic attack and utilized techniques I learned in my program. I am guessing things actually do work out. Even if it’s a little tedious.

I will learn not to complain and learn how to love the bomb. It has been one of the hardest things in my life to stay awake these past couple of days. I’m not sure how long I will last in the program, but I’d like to show up tomorrow. Hopefully, everyday will be like that.

I realized that blogging about everyday is manic behavior and it needs to stop. My need to express myself does not outweigh the human dignity of private health care information. I will go dark on this subject for now and for a longer time.

As a communications major, I’ve been consumed by my communication, primarily broadcasting. It’s been too much and I’ve been demonstrating my ignorance and inconsideration by continuing and converting this blog that I hold so dear into a tainted hospital microphone.

I’m ready to get back to graphic design not change my life to fit my illness. I hope to have the courage to find my way back into graphic design but for now, I just want to get healthy and manage my medication dosages so that I can live the life I know I deserve. Signing off from the health front. Please find what information you hold dear and secret and keep it close to you but far from others. They don’t need to worry about you unnecessarily. You’re not dying, I’m not dying. Not now. This is why Facebook is a walled garden. It’s about the best and funnest activities we are up to, not the dark gritty innards that should be left to a private storage for a conversation with your doctor and your doctor alone.

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Day 2 (harder than day one , but it’s going to be like that until half way through)

Day 2 of my treatment was a doozy. Essentially, my new phsychiatrist on staff is a fair but deadly opponent (not really deadly but stern). He was offering no relief except that I can take my Abilify anytime I want (but it should be regularly.) So tongiht I’m going to have Abilify at night and see how that helps.

The inmates and I are beginning to warm up to each other. It’s difficult being female in a room of males. The social workers are female too, but I can’t really relate to their brand of femininity. I’m at my wits end with group “discussions” and anger management exercises. I can’t believe I have to go back (but I will.) I did learn some coping strategies and fancy ways to tell people respectfully behaviour changes I would like to see.

Formula… I feel blank when you blank because blank. Would you be willing to blank? I am making a lot of judgements about my treatment in this post. In discussion they said not to quit any prescription drug “cold turkey” because the body is a delicate system. I asked then why ask us to quit Street Drugs cold turkey. To that, they were like, good question…. uhhh….errr… ooh … um… This place is full of logistical holes it’s going to give me those icky Stepford nightmares. I know they are trying their hardest and maybe that’s the problem.

My new psychiatrist also told me that my blurred vision shouldn’t be a thing from Abilify so I’m a little panicked. I’ve been feeling nappy all day.

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Going from Graphic Design Blog to Mental Tribulations Blog

There’s no doubt about it. My first day in partial hospitatlization made me realize that I am very sick.

Some of the other inmates were helpful and encouraging. I need to get some sleep to even make the program worth doing. The nightly panic attacks will come but at least I have ambien. That gives me 3-5 hours of black out sleep. I wake up to my worst nightmare which is worst than a nightmare because at least nightmares let you sleep through some of it.

I’m proud of myself for not letting them get to me. They are just two hours of my day. I’ve been doing a lot of clockwatching. Being in a hospital environment sucks because of all the code color interruptions. Especially when they go into specifics: Code Green, 40 year old woman. Code Blue, transfusion.

I’m writing this with blurred vision. I can’t wait to get help of any kind. Something new at least offers hope. Tomorrow, I meet with my new psychiatrist. Peace be to you and to me.

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A Personal Feminist Bible

Using new characters and new stories, creating a Bible-like book that is more towards the angle of women characters, particularly a trinity with Rose Quartz, Captain Janeway and Matilda from the Roald Dalhl book of the same name.

It’s a fan fiction. My first one. It’s an interesting tale to write because it’s set in water instead of on land. It’s setting: The mother ocean. It’s time tame: Whenever Captain Janeway ruled Voyager with a calm hand.

My vision is blurry. I can’t finish or start this tale just yet. Just taking notes on what might be, It’s a hard sell because The Trinity is so special to me , It represents my favorite women in media.

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Martyr and Anti-Martyr

As I lay awake, I realized without moving that I loved what I could have and what I couldn’t have. Insatiable.

It was a tiny revelation. I looked at my life and saw I had everything I needed and all that was left was for me to fall asleep to that tune.

Waterfalls are my favorite thing. A river falling down the edge of something and it flows and it goes. It roars. Gentle violence.

A mouth wetting lozenge that slowly goes away. The last of its kind for now. A blissful moment where I thought to myself I could wake up with it.

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